THE SAVIOR AND THE WHORE (vella)
Episode 1
Now, most of you think that you know my story, but you don’t! You only know the stories told to you by Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John… maybe a few others after other scrolls were found, but not my version.
I mean, who would you rather hear my story from?.. me, or a bunch of drunken evangelists that let me get crucified? THAT S**T HURTS! It took me three days to rehydrate enough to roll that heavy-ass boulder out of my way, so I could exit that cave full of dead, rotten bodies. Thankfully, two of my angelic buds came down to help me out.
Am I offending you sensitive ‘SNOW-Flakes’ telling my version of the story?!
Well, welcome to the new era people… it’s time to appreciate what time you have left, because I AM RETURNING SOON, and none of you sons-a-b***hes knoweth the hour, because, na-na-na-na-na, my daddy won’t tell you…
I was born free of sin. Which in a nutshell, means I have what some of you all call ‘White Privilege.’ Oh yeah! I can do whatever I want and get away with it. It’s a sort of Diplomatic Immunity, you might say. You don’t think that’s fair?! Well, you try being the one who gets tortured in more ways than any of you bastards can count in a single night, before being forced to carry your own cross through a crowd of angry people up a hill where you are crucified on the very cross you just carried. All this and so much more done to you over thirty-three years of life while you’re told you can’t sin, or otherwise do things that are natural for mortals to do. Mortals experience things! They do things over and over, even when they know they shouldn’t just for the experience. It’s in their code. I wanted to do so many things!
Well, I earned that privilege by being your savior! So, as I watched my disciples drink wine and be merry while I too drank and communed with them, I yearned for the life I now live as the immortal son of God! And who better to be my partner in crime than the woman who stood by my side in anguish as I was tortured, crucified, and pierced, but my beloved Mary Magdalene.
You religious fanatics will probably campaign to hide this story from the world as you do with other fun products like Dungeons and Dragons, or Ouija Boards. You sensitive fucks need to learn to compartmentalize and have fun in your lives before you die and find out that you pledged your unending lives to my father.
By the way… didn’t most of you claim to have abolished slavery? Well, read that amazing Bible of yours carefully without changing the words via a Thesaurus and you might see something you overlooked. You truly do only live once! Once you enter into my kingdom, it’s a whole new ballgame. I saved you all from eternal damnation as you say, but at what cost? Oh, don’t worry! My dad isn’t as bad as the Bible dictates him to be. Those destructive deities that decimated the lands before he took charge were mistook to be him. He is a creator of good, not evil. And what is good or evil anyways, but perspective!
Is a serial killer really evil? Well, yes! He might be enjoying life, but that son-of-a-b***h is killing people out of pure joy and not for a cause. I know several serial killers who were not evil. Oh yeah, I love the show ‘Dexter,’ but he isn’t real. The concept of his code is very much real however.
But I digress!
You all want to know more about my story. Where have I been? When am I coming back? What’s Heaven like? Where are my seventy-two virgins? Blah-blah, f**king blah! Just sit back, grab a glass of wine. Light a candle. And you may want to say a very long prayer of forgiveness just for reading these tales I’m about to share of me and my beautiful and exotic wife… yep, that’s right! We got married before I was crucified. You might have learned that if you weren’t so sexist and believed that Mary was a disciple too.
Episode 2
Let’s discuss the ‘Dark Ages’ for a moment, shall we?
You see, everyone did really see me rise up into the Heavens. After recovering from my ordeal on Earth for a few days back in Heaven, I decided to retrieve my wife and go on a vacation with her. That vacation may or may not have lasted for the duration that became what is known as the ‘Dark Ages.’
For those of you questioning whether God left your asses behind or not, yes, he did! You should NOT have done what you did to me! It was not meant to go that way. Truth be told, better it was me than some poor sap who mankind thought to be the ‘Son of God.’ Geez! I mean can you imagine if what was done to me was done to some regular mortal man?!
HORRIFIC!
I’m not here to judge mankind. That’s my brother’s calling! He’s just mad that he got grounded by dad and wants to take as many others down with him as he can. But that’s a different story. This is my tale!
So, as I was saying, Mary and I took off from Earth and traveled the Universe, first to its inner most center, where dad resides, and then out to its continually expanding borders, where the titan Atlas still grows and stretches the expanse. I tell you; he is one massive dude. I’d hate to see what happens if he ever dies and his body can no longer hold up the skies!
He’s quite the nice guy. He knows that due to the expanse, he and he alone has to be the one to hold up the skies. Hercules might be able to hold it up, but it has expanded so vastly that if Atlas ever stepped away, shrunk or otherwise failed his duties, the entire universe would collapse down to near-nothingness. Try to envision that!
As Mary and I traveled, we visited other worlds full of life that does not exude violent or otherwise harmful behaviors. These are the worlds within the Eden Galaxy. Here is where Adam now dwells and happily tends the lands. Yes, people still die, but after their bodies return to the ground, they are born anew to reexperience life in a new perspective. Life never ends! Even science has inadvertently proven that you silly Atheists!
I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love Atheists! If not for them, I may have become irrelevant like other ancient beings involved in the evolution of worlds. Mary and I had a lot of fun and will definitely do it again and more, but we had to go back! Earth was ours to care for and save! Mankind had begun a destructive path after my crucifixion. Though I could not technically return as myself just yet, I could return in disguise. Are you ready to read these tales of my secret lives among you?
Well, ready or not motherfuckers, here it goes!
In our absence, my brother, not Lucifer… he gets all the blame since Christianity decided to unite my fallen brothers into one being they call the ‘Devil.’ Lucy is actually quite kind! We’ll talk about him, her, she, he… that person later! Lucifer identifies as non-binary, but the whole pronoun thing can be confusing at times! Anyhow, my brother Samiel, the true wicked of the fallen angels, was at it again, encouraging wars among mankind. Barbarianism became popular again, but this time, it was near unstoppable and the judgment of Lucifer dubbed this era ‘the Dark Ages.’ Mary and I had to put a stop to it! If you want to know more about history such as the ‘Dark Ages,’ might I recommend the Encyclopedia Britannica? While this source does not capture everything perfectly, it does attempt to do it through objective eyes. There is so much that is either hidden from the public or even lost through time that may never be realized. It is the job of mortals to ensure the truth be told as objectively as possible. Too bad they don’t know the truth behind all my secret lives.
Episode 3: CANCELLED
People tend to panic in stressful situations, especially near-death experiences. Many raised in the faith question whether there is a god right before their deaths only to add to their suffering as they pass on. Atheists tend to be more accepting of death than the religious because they spent their entire lives preparing for the worst possible scenario of nothingness after death.
This dark and ambiguous issue with death is in part a cause for the ‘Dark Ages.’ Mankind had killed me, the one they call “God in the flesh.” I mean, while I am my father’s son, I limit my power on Earth, so my presence does not rip it apart. Yeah, that’s one reason my father cannot come here personally and answer mankind’s questions. The first time he visited the Earth after its creation, it destroyed the dinosaurs and the first creation of man.
Sorry about that!
Some survived.
Obviously.
Otherwise, where do you think the other people came from outside of the Garden of Eden?
I digress! This is about my wife, Mary, and me. The Savior and the Whore! Why refer to my wife with such a disrespectful term? Well, the world knows her as such a thing from the tales in their Bible, and it’s a marketing ploy to get you f**kers to read this crap! I’m here to tell you the stories, or rather adventures of your favorite son of God and his wife through our perspective rather than the Holy of Holy Apostles.
When we returned to Earth, the Dark Ages had already started with no signs of the world ever recovering from them.